Soil Science Joke

 Mono Basin Textural Triangle:

Note that in some lentic zones you might encounter loamy sand, sandy loam, sandy clay loam, or sandy clay. But there will be sand. In other areas you might encounter gravelly sand, cobbly sand, stony sand (not just near the dispensary), or bouldery sand.

The IRS really could make this easier on us

It usually is a simple process to file our federal taxes each year, copying more or less what we did the previous year. Free Fillable Forms generally works well, but it is always apparent that the instructions are written from the point of view of the IRS and not with the audience in mind. This year, I started running into confusing things right away--kind of ridiculous no one noticed and fixed these problems--and I decided to keep track here of all the confusion and how much extra time it took. 

Dam building comic

The California Water Commission is about to give away billions of taxpayer dollars to dam builders. At least, that is what could happen if it doesn't prioritize more benign storage projects that most Californians voting yes on Proposition 1 envisioned, such as groundwater storage projects. California has millions of acre-feet of groundwater storage already available, and public funds could help build the groundwater recharge facilities we will need in the future once our dams are sedimented in and crumbling. Unfortunately, the dam-building lobby is well-connected and clever at public indoctrination, so things might not go well for the public interest. We may end up with more expensive, dangerous, and environmentally-destructive dams siphoning water from our precious rivers and estuaries and drowning our beautiful river canyons and grasslands.

So here is a comic strip I made to clarify the politics of the issue.

The slick Environmental Impact Reports about to land on the CWC's desk will be more marketing materials selling new dams, and less informative unbiased documents useful to the public and decisionmakers. I hope they see through the propaganda and keep in mind Aldo Leopold's words:

"A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability, and beauty of the biotic community. It is wrong when it tends otherwise."

Delta Smelt Comic

When you read sad, error-filled, misleading propaganda, sometimes all you can do is respond with humor:

Man Accidentally Tears Online Map

BREAKING NEWS: Today a 53-year old man in Los Angeles, California, tore Google Maps while trying to unfold it. He had previously worn thin a section of Google Maps right on the fold by pacing back and forth while leaving his smartphone GPS tracking turned on. The next time he opened Google Maps, it tore in that location.

"Since the tear is right on my house, now I can't read the map there," the man complained. "If I try to navigate home from somewhere, the navigation system gets lost and circles my block forever because it can't find my house. If I want to navigate to somewhere else from home, I have to start the navigation a block after I leave my house--but sometimes I start off in the wrong direction."

One day, the edges of the map didn't match up along the tear, and he was instructed to navigate from one street instantly to the adjacent street.

"I couldn't get the map to tell me how to get over there," he said. "It just wanted me to beam over to the other street, like on Star Trek."

He has tried contacting Google to get them to repair his map, but according to the man, they told him to buy a new one. A Google spokesperson contacted for this story commented: "We are concerned about breaks in the space-time continuum due to improper handling of Google Maps. But we've discovered that instead of expending resources on repairs, it is best to reboot and buy a new map. If your flash memory is worn out from accessing the same data sectors over and over again, you may have to buy a new device."

The man planned to sell his phone on Ebay, to someone he doesn't know that would never need to come to his house. But he lamented the risks: "What if a Pizza delivery person buys it? Then I can't ever order pizza again."

Epic Water Conservation Tips for an Epic Drought

We need to step it up a little. If we are in the most severe drought on record, then we need some better tips than "turn off the water while you are brushing your teeth." Come on, everybody already started doing that during the 1976-77 drought! And "take shorter showers" is sooooo 80s! We all do that already too! Boring! Here are some alternative water conservation tips that you won't see in your water bill.

1. Drink more imported beer. That way you can be sure the water in the beer isn't from California. And whatever you do, don't eat almonds with your beer!
2. Don't eat your veggies. Agriculture consumes 80% of the water in California. In fact, if you stop eating and drinking altogether (except for imported beer), that would be best.
3. Don't reproduce. Even better, wait to have kids until the drought is over. Kids are messy and you need to use a lot of water to clean them up. They also like to play in the water.
4. Be obstructionist. Find the nearest new housing development or irrigated farm, and block its progress so that it isn't finished or irrigated until the drought is over. If you are rich, just buy it and bulldoze it and restore the natural habitat and put a conservation easement on it.
5. Stop doing the dishes. Just tell your husband/wife/parents/other that you are saving water. When you run out of clean dishes, use paper plates. Put the dirty dishes outside--they will get clean the next time it rains. You could even use them to be obstructionist (#4).
6. Stop mowing and watering your lawn. You had better things to do on Saturday anyway.
7. Buy a boat. Buy one for your neighbors too. But don't wash it. And only take it to reservoirs to recreate (every Saturday, instead of mowing your lawn). If we completely cover the surfaces of all our reservoirs with boats, we'll stop losing water to evaporation.
8. Stop driving. Fracking and oil refining use a lot of water. You bought a sailboat or a rowboat (#7) that you can just leave at the reservoir, right? And if you start riding your bike to work, make sure you don't start taking more showers. When people call you stinky, just call them a "water waster" back.
9. Stop buying technology. Silicon Valley was the fastest-growing area of the state last year. The 332,000 new residents added to California each year (see also #3) are using all the water you are saving (residents have to save 1% more water each year just to keep up). Even better, just move away--the rest of us would like a little more room.
10. Pass new laws. These, in particular. And add this one to the mix.

Disclaimer: Don't try these at home--they may have unwanted side-effects. But if any of them are compatible with your goals and lifestyle, then have at it! Even though these are tongue-in-cheek, many of them would actually save a lot more water than the tips most of us get in the mail from our water providers!

Weak Enforcement and Penalties Lead to Increased Violations of the Laws of Physics

Lately federal, state, and municipal budget cuts have led to lack of enforcement of the laws of physics. This sad situation has allowed perpetrators to go unpunished and has led to a cavalier attitude for many who now casually disregard the laws of physics. Below are a few of the more egregious examples.


Laws of Motion
These laws apply to moving objects, having to do with things like equal and opposite reactions and centrifugal force. If everyone on the planet took a step to the east at the same time, the earth would stop spinning. This would roast the sunny side of the Earth and freeze the dark side, pretty much ending life as we know it. Given the relatively large chances of this happening,

The Obama Administration creates another job overseas

May 4th, 2011:

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