Epic Water Conservation Tips for an Epic Drought

We need to step it up a little. If we are in the most severe drought on record, then we need some better tips than "turn off the water while you are brushing your teeth." Come on, everybody already started doing that during the 1976-77 drought! And "take shorter showers" is sooooo 80s! We all do that already too! Boring! Here are some alternative water conservation tips that you won't see in your water bill.

1. Drink more imported beer. That way you can be sure the water in the beer isn't from California. And whatever you do, don't eat almonds with your beer!
2. Don't eat your veggies. Agriculture consumes 80% of the water in California. In fact, if you stop eating and drinking altogether (except for imported beer), that would be best.
3. Don't reproduce. Even better, wait to have kids until the drought is over. Kids are messy and you need to use a lot of water to clean them up. They also like to play in the water.
4. Be obstructionist. Find the nearest new housing development or irrigated farm, and block its progress so that it isn't finished or irrigated until the drought is over. If you are rich, just buy it and bulldoze it and restore the natural habitat and put a conservation easement on it.
5. Stop doing the dishes. Just tell your husband/wife/parents/other that you are saving water. When you run out of clean dishes, use paper plates. Put the dirty dishes outside--they will get clean the next time it rains. You could even use them to be obstructionist (#4).
6. Stop mowing and watering your lawn. You had better things to do on Saturday anyway.
7. Buy a boat. Buy one for your neighbors too. But don't wash it. And only take it to reservoirs to recreate (every Saturday, instead of mowing your lawn). If we completely cover the surfaces of all our reservoirs with boats, we'll stop losing water to evaporation.
8. Stop driving. Fracking and oil refining use a lot of water. You bought a sailboat or a rowboat (#7) that you can just leave at the reservoir, right? And if you start riding your bike to work, make sure you don't start taking more showers. When people call you stinky, just call them a "water waster" back.
9. Stop buying technology. Silicon Valley was the fastest-growing area of the state last year. The 332,000 new residents added to California each year (see also #3) are using all the water you are saving (residents have to save 1% more water each year just to keep up). Even better, just move away--the rest of us would like a little more room.
10. Pass new laws. These, in particular. And add this one to the mix.

Disclaimer: Don't try these at home--they may have unwanted side-effects. But if any of them are compatible with your goals and lifestyle, then have at it! Even though these are tongue-in-cheek, many of them would actually save a lot more water than the tips most of us get in the mail from our water providers!