Weak Enforcement and Penalties Lead to Increased Violations of the Laws of Physics

Lately federal, state, and municipal budget cuts have led to lack of enforcement of the laws of physics. This sad situation has allowed perpetrators to go unpunished and has led to a cavalier attitude for many who now casually disregard the laws of physics. Below are a few of the more egregious examples.


Laws of Motion
These laws apply to moving objects, having to do with things like equal and opposite reactions and centrifugal force. If everyone on the planet took a step to the east at the same time, the earth would stop spinning. This would roast the sunny side of the Earth and freeze the dark side, pretty much ending life as we know it. Given the relatively large chances of this happening, urgent measures should be taken to regulate the movement of the Earth's population. People whose names begin with the first half of the alphabet will be required to only walk east in the morning and west in the afternoon, and people with names starting with letters in the last half of the alphabet would be required to do the opposite. Law enforcement personnel in pursuit of violators would naturally be exempt from this law, however they are encouraged to walk backwards if possible and only break this law as a last resort. People that don't use names or the alphabet are encouraged to step very slowly so that they don't stampede the wildebeests in the wrong direction at the wrong time.


Law of Conservation of Mass and Energy
On the books since about 450 B.C., this is one of our most basic laws of physics. It states that the amount of mass and energy in the universe remains constant--you can't make something out of nothing... unless you are a banker. Banks keep creating money out of thin air and loaning it to people. The mass of money exceeds the mass of thin air used to create it without an increase in energy. They keep loaning more and more money that doesn't really exist until it is entered into their balance sheet--poof! Matter where there was none before! This creation of money out of nothing is starting to have ramifications for the mass/energy balance of planet Earth, and some believe it is an exothermic reaction responsible for Global Warming. Although the Climate Change connection is still controversial (skeptics say all the hot air near the Federal Reserve Bank could be due to the location of U.S. Congress in Washington D.C.), most reputable scientists agree it could possibly create a black hole that would crush the Earth until it is the size of a small chihuahua. Since all banking is now conducted electronically, except for the "Buried Backyard Treasure Bank" and "Under My Mattress Bank," one possible solution is to force computers to disallow the creation of a bank account balance that wasn't transferred from another real location. If such a violation were detected, the computer would automatically prevent the account holder from passing Go and collecting $200 and would send them directly to jail (unless they have a Get Out of Jail Free card). Enforcement of this law began in 2007 with promising results.

Second Law of Thermodynamics
This is the long-standing law against perpetual motion machines. Lack of federal enforcement of this law has allowed people to believe that fossil fuels won't run out and that the Earth's resources are inexhaustible. Unsustainable practices have resulted, such as the existence of Las Vegas. Due to recent enforcement of the law of conservation of mass (see above), home buyers can't get access to money to buy homes in Vegas, and what happens in Vegas is staying in an ever shrinking part of Vegas. Overall, Las Vegas is contracting and may soon shrink to the size of a small chihuahua.

Law of Gravity
If you don't know about this law, you might be in a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings book... or on Wall Street. Apparently 1% of the population is ignoring this law while 99% are following it, and the recent Occupy Wall Street movement is a popular uprising demanding that the law of gravity be followed by rich investors whose incomes keep rising as if they didn't depend on gravity--or on the rest of us to work for them. Wizards on brooms and Dark Riders are expected to continue flouting this law after the 1% are reigned in, shrinking the percentage of individuals breaking this law to the size of a small chihuahua that has burned off all its body fat while running from an eastbound herd of wildebeests.